many different things at this moment in time. This September 1st was very different from last year's. Last year we buried my mom. It has been a rough road getting to today. Lots of ups and downs, twists and turns. At moments I feel like I've finally come out of the fog and at others I feel that I am still flailing about trying to find my way. There is still a great sense of loss. Not a day goes by that I don't have a moment of "I've got to go see or call Mom" or "I bet Mom will call about this or that today." The feeling increased once baseball season started, maybe next year I'll be able to watch the Tigers again. Yesterday I took a long look at myself and wondered where I've been and what I've been doing.
I have found that I am much happier creating mixed-media/paper-crafts/painting and teaching 'crafts' than when I was an electrical engineer. I do miss some of the work - thinking, creating, solving problems. I do NOT miss the stress and other junk that went along with it. I feel more satisfied with what I do now but I have realized that I need more structure for myself. I have a hard time accomplishing things without schedules, project plans and clear goals. Many years of working like that and partly just how my mind functions. Next week I'll be doing some major scheduling, project plans and goal setting, since DD will be back in school, finally.
This summer has been really difficult for a variety of reasons. Not having a regular schedule has made me a little out of sorts. Having a broken car (which means I had to share DH's van) and being unable to get around has been a major trial too. Having no money to fix my car an even bigger one. It has been a tense, awkward and depressing time. Which may be why I felt like the fog was finally lifting this spring only to return this summer. I tend to use food as my shield when depressed and I can see that it has been a few really bad months. The kids keep me active and focused on being healthy. But the late nights, while DH is working and I'm trying to play catch-up with all the household chores, get to me. I spend too much time at the computer or in front of the TV mindlessly munching on junk.
My creativity has been up and down with all of this also. I've never felt like this before. I can be inspired but just not have the energy, mental or physical, to carry through on most projects. It is different for work related projects, I need to complete those by a certain time so they get done. I haven't created a scrapbook layout, just for me, in ages. I actually can't remember the last time I did. I have for work but not for me. I play with my painting, mostly practicing and perfecting strokes and forms so I can remember them and teach them. I have started many things but they are all sitting in different storage waiting to be finished.
So what does all this considering mean? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? Well, I guess the only thing I know how to do. Pick myself up and get moving. I am the only one who can change where I am at and where I am going. Starting moment to moment, hour to hour and day to day. It is a new day and I think I am ready to take it on.